Goodbye Cherry Cove!

So I'm sitting here in my empty room. There is a weird echo. Nothing of mine is in here anymore. Just the dressers and desks that were left for me here that I'm leaving for the next person. It's a weird feeling when you move from a place for good. I won't ever live here again. That's OK...and I'm ready for a new chapter, but it's still a strange feeling.

Jen and I were laying in our rooms last night and she says, "Annie, doesn't it feel like it's the last day of vacation?"

I replied, "Yeah, actually it does."

I will miss my roommate. We wonder when we will see eachother again. I love her...she's my best friend. We are both moving to new places and new things in our lives. The village is clean and nearly empty. I'm trying to think of a song that would go with this moment. I will have to think some more...nothing comes to my head.

Goodbye Cherry Cove. I've learned a lot from you...

Including the fact that communism ONLY works in theory!

Pack up, Pack out

Only a few more days left! Which means, only a few more days to pack my crap. I've packed one box...and it hardly looks like I've packed anything. Kind of pathetic, really. I'm not sure how I've acquired so much stuff. I can't really even see my floor right now...there is stuff EVERYWHERE. I guess everything is sort of just spread out everywhere, so it just looks like I have a bunch of stuff...at least that's what I'm hoping. Most of this stuff I'm looking at right now could probably just be thrown away. I'm such a pack rat. I have such a hard time throwing anything away. I'm going to be forced to now though...I don't want to ship eight million boxes home. I'd be willing to pay someone to pack my stuff for me.

I have a sleeping bag here that I will probably just donate to First Aid, as well as some twin sheets that I don't need back home, since I have a queen sized bed. I have a bunch of shirts and boardshorts that I will leave for the New Fish. A few pairs of shoes that I have here will probably just get thrown out because they are so worn out from wearing them here on the island...clothes get ruined quickly here.

I'm not sure that there is anything I hate doing more than packing. Just think...once I get home in a month or two I'll probably be moving AGAIN. I think I'm going to start selling things on Ebay that I don't want anymore...I can't be so attached to things anymore. They weigh me down.

Anyways, excuse me, I must go procrastinate on this whole packing thing again.

UPDATE:
My room is looking much better...I'm currently doing my laundry and seperating things I want to keep from things that will stay here for the new people coming in and things that will get shipped to the Mission. It actually looks like I've done something. Seems I do my best work late at night!

Helicopter Crash in Two Harbors - just a mile away!

Karen came into the kitchen today while we all were eating breakfast to tell us that Bill and Bear wouldn't be in camp because of a helicopter crash that had happened in Two Harbors, which is about a mile from where we live. Bill and Bear take care of Cherry Cove, doing maintenance and stuff like that, but are also members of the First Responder Search and Rescue Team. Bill's first information was 3 dead, 1 they weren't sure about. Apparently, the Associated Press is reporting that there are 3 dead and 3 injured.

The Associated Press reports that there was a pop and a fireball trailing behind the helicopter over Isthmus Harbor at about 9:25 AM and it landed about a half mile away on the isthmus, behind the yacht club, about 90 yards from Catalina Harbor. Unfortunately, being all too familiar with the area, I know that the winds in the area shift so quickly, thanks to the isthmus fan that blows across Two Harbors. Even if the pilot was trying to save the landing, it would be nearly impossible because of the unpredictability of the winds. Granted it was cloudy and drizzly as well this morning, so that certainly didn't help any.

Though, still sad, I am thankful that no one we know was on the flight. It was a tour helicopter not a charter helicopter - though the press didn't report that, the flight left Long Beach at 8:30 AM and crashed at around 9:25 AM. All the commuter or chartered flights are only about 15 to 20 minutes long. The town of Two Harbors has only about 80 residents and since we spend the majority of our time there, we know nearly everyone and we do know that no locals were involved. This, of course, doesn't make the situation any better, but it eases our minds a little to know that none of our friends were hurt.

It's wild though...some of us here at camp were talking about it. Kyle and Craig were hiking their children right past that very spot at that time yesterday. Eva's cousin was supposed to come in tomorrow on a helicopter operated by the same company. All of the flights are now cancelled until further notice. Ferries are still coming in. My roommate went into town to drop her boyfriend off at the ferry terminal and the ferries filled with media are now coming in. We can hear helicopters all over the place flying overhead. Media, also, I suspect.

It's been a crazy day here on Catalina Island!

The article is here: http://www.knbc.com/news/16384462/detail.html

A good friend of ours, Paul, is the heavy guy leaning against the fire truck.

Dreaming, Pick up Lines, and Heiny Cakes

I had an inappropriate dream about Boy Scout Adam last night. Don't get me wrong, he's a cutie and all...but whenever I have dreams about men who AREN'T Jerry...it makes me uncomfortable. The last inappropriate dream I had was a couple of weeks ago that included a chaperone from a school I was teaching on. That one was WAAAAY more inappropriate than the one last night...but since that chaperone is no longer around, it affected me way less - I see Boy Scout Adam everyday. *Shudders*

Today was a fabulous day. The kids are awesome - I will miss them when they leave tomorrow. I plan on sending them a box of goodies when I get back on the mainland. I have a couple ideas of some fun gifts to get a couple of them. We did a round of "roses and thorns" this afternoon. It really sounded like they had a good time. This one kid we call Saenz said he loved the food, but was sad he couldn't hang out with me the entire time. The kid is the biggest flirt I know. He and a couple of the other boys have also been practicing pick-up lines on me this week. My favorite one has been "Hey, Annie, you make my 2X4 a 2X8." They're ridiculous and I will miss them. The boys are really close-knit. It's nice to see a group of guys with such a great relationship. Sometimes it's creepy how close they are, but I think they do the weird stuff like hold hands and skip simply for shock-value.

I talked to Jerry today and he sounds like he's in a great mood. He's been saying for the last few days that I should skip clean up and just come home. I wish. I can't wait to get back home. Leaving here is bittersweet. I will miss a lot about it and I will NOT miss a lot about it. I will miss Jenny's smile and advice. I will miss Jen's friendship and love. I will miss Kyle's sense of humor and caring ways. I will miss Doorstop's Heiny-cakes. I will miss calling Craig and Kris's retards. I will miss Alex just stopping at my room for a chat and picking on him for being the biggest dork in the universe. I will miss Wiley's intelligence and frankness. Yes. I will miss some of them.

But there is so much ahead of me! I'm anxious to get my life back in Michigan. It will definitely be an adjustment...but what ISN'T an adjustment for me anymore? Life is full of change. And change definitely involves adjustment.

Is it weird that I think the group of 8th grade boys I have this week are pretty hot? OK, not that they're hot right NOW per se...but I think that when they are older, they'll be hot. I don't know. A part of me feels weird about that. There is one boy, who, if I was in 8th grade, I'd be totally crushing on him. Stoney (not a nickname!) is not super good looking (I never went after the good-looking ones anyway), but he's nice, interesting, and he plays the guitar and bass...totally the guy that I would have liked. The other boys are hilariously funny, which, alone, would have totally had me crushing on them if I was their age.


It's weird to think that way about students. Especially since I'm practically twice their age, but you can't help having your "favorites". I have a group of 14 kids this week - all the kids in their class at school - and I've been spoiling all of them pretty rotten. We went on our day trip today and I stopped in town and bought them candy. They loved that. I've been giving them extra treats since they've been here. Mostly because I can, but also because they're great kids. No bullies, no troublemakers, no one is disrespectful, they clean up after themselves and help one another out. They are an ideal group of kids. It's a great way to end my final season here.


The daytrip today was awesome. The surf was up, so we were able to body surf and boogie board. The kids had a blast. We also had some extra time, so we stopped in Two Harbors and let them play volleyball and basketball (the boys are really good! They beat a group of kids almost twice as big as them!). It was the best daytrip of the season, in my opinion.


I've had some bad flare ups recently, so I was nervous about having a group of kids alone for the entire week, but I've stopped dealing with dance studio stuff for the week and I've felt exponentially better. I can't afford to have flare-ups right now, so I've decided to stay as far away from studio stuff as possible. It seems to be doing the trick so far.

My room is a disaster...I have clothes everywhere. Some are half clean, some are dirty, some are completely clean. I've also got random shit everywhere. As I'm packing up to go home next week, I realized that I've acquired a crap load of stuff...not sure how...but I have. I'm going to spend a fortune on shipping.

Going back to "real life"...

I had a great day today. I have an awesome group of kids this week for five days, which is a great way to end the season. They "Got Yoked" this morning, ate like whales this afternoon, and had an amazing Ultimate Double Dare Squid session this evening. I feel good about the way today went. I like days like this.

So I've been thinking more and more about the move back to Michigan. (Only 10 more days!)I'm excited, don't get me wrong, but I will miss living STEPS from the beach and I'm nervous about going back to "real life". Living here on the island is nowhere NEAR "real life". I'm moving back to Michigan to run a dance studio and move in with my boyfriend...which are all big committments and huge responsibilities. I'm ready, of course, but change always throws me off at first. I always need an adjustment period.

Surprisingly enough, I'm MORE concerned about moving in with Jerry than running the dance studio. I KNOW I can run the dance studio...my life has been leading up to this since I was 2 years old. I will be in control and am solely responsible for the success of the business. HOWEVER, in relationships, there is no guarantee. I'm in no way in control of Jerry's feelings or actions. It also takes two to have a relationship, which means we BOTH are responsible for its success. I'm not used to depending on others, I'm not used to committment, and I'm certainly not used to living with my boyfriend permanently. Sure, it may be awhile before we actually move in together, but even moving back and being in a "normal" relationship is something that we've never had. I've been out of the country for a month of our relationship and all the way across the U.S. for three and a half months of our relationship. We've only been dating for about five months...do the math. It's exciting, nerve wracking, intimidating, and refreshing, all at the same time. I don't know WHAT to feel, really.

Inundating myself with Blind Melon is all I can think to do right now. I want to spin in circles until I puke and curl up with the stars.

Boys ruin EVERYTHING!

My boss, Jenny, is leaving at the end of the season, with 7 other "Cherries" (including myself), so today was her going away party. I danced my booty off yet again and we drank our fair share of beer and spirits...

So much so that a bunch of us ended up going in the water in our underwear (yay, white thongs with red hearts) on a full moon kayak. It was great until the stupid boys get in kayaks too and proceeded to tip us over. It was supposed to be a relaxing kayak, so much for that. They ruin everything.

Not gonna lie, though, it was a good time. There was a point where we were all sitting around in a circle and a few people were playing the acoustic guitar and I almost, ALMOST, got sad that I was going to be leaving. Then I remembered that I was going to be going home to something more meaningful, better, and long-lasting. I love each and every one of the people that I work with in a different way, but nothing beats my life-partner, my family, and the children in my life.

I'm excited to get home!

Dancin' Fools

You know it's a good night when you're drinking and dancing and the people at the bar almost kick you out.

It's not even that we were dancing bad...we were doing flips and turns and crazy stuff like that. Granted, the guy I was dancing with almost dropped me on my head twice and we actually did fall on the ground at one point.

But I tell you what, we made it a good time, even though the DJ was bad and everyone else sucked. Go Cherries!

Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder?

I love my partner. I really and truely do. We've known eachother for years, have been dating since around Christmastime, and we'll be moving in together soon after I return to Michigan (in only two more weeks!).

But it's weird at times. We basically grew up together and didn't see eachother for six years...we got back into contact in December and have been together ever since. However, if you add up all the days we've seen eachother since we started dating...it would probably add up to only a month. Does that mean we WOULDN'T be ready for the next step in our relationship when I return? He says he's not, simply because we haven't spent enough time together. We've talked on the phone EVERY single day since I've been here...so it's not like a casual thing. We don't date anyone else. My feelings for him are, without question, stronger than any other person I've ever dated. When he and I met back up, I wasn't interested in a relationship, and neither was he, but something happened along the way that changed all that. Suddenly we were in love...it totally blindsided us.

I think because it happened so fast, he didn't really get used to the whole dating thing. He's never really been in a serious relationship like this before. Sometimes I find that he's incredibly insensitive, selfish, and immature. Other times, he's incredible. He shares his feelings, he showers me with compliments and loving words, and he'll randomly send sweet text messages. Being that I'm 2500 miles away, small things like that matter, but when I tell him I need these things to feel secure in our relationship, he gets defensive and upset. Sometimes I don't know what to do - being so far away has definitely put a strain on our relationship. Sometimes I literally hate myself so much because I know I'm hurting him and our relationship by being out here. I know that if I hadn't come back out here to California in February, our relationship would have progressed so much and we'd be so much further along in this process.

So I wonder what people think...do you HAVE to be in people's presence to really know them or to be able to grow in a relationship? Can a relationship progress if you're far away from one another?

Frankly, I'm extremely surprised that Jerry and my relationship has lasted. I figured he would get bored with the phone calls and the difficulty of the situation and bail. He didn't. This is how I know he loves me as much as I love him. It hasn't been easy and he stuck around. I didn't give up either...and that counts for something on my end too. I have a habit of being a bit of a flake, not following through with things. But I love him...and I wasn't going to let that go. Everyone here at camp never thought that Jerry and I would last...I wouldn't be surprised if there was a pool going (seems there are pools about everything here). They have every right to think that. In the past, I've been terrified of commitment...but with Jerry, it's different. I trust him with everything, I feel so connected, we have amazing chemistry, and we are HAPPY when we are together.

We are polar opposites, though. He's a meat and potatoes kind of guy...and I'm a vegan. He doesn't like to dance...and that's my life. He's a country boy...and although I grew up in the country, I'm much more of a city girl. He's a fast food junkie...I'm a health nut. I love swimming and water sports...and he's terrified of the water. He's very down to earth and logical...and I'm an idealistic space cadet. I love sports...he hates them. I like to read...and he's never read a book in his life. He knows a ton about fixing things...and I'm completely clueless. We don't even like the same music.

Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen, doesn't it? Though it's hard at times, it sort of just...works.

I'll be home in just two short weeks...I can't wait to see where this all leads. I hope it leads to something really positive and wonderful. Nothing in my life has been easy...including this relationship, but I feel since we've gotten through this 3 and a half months of being away from eachother, we can get through anything.

I got the loop

It's crazy because I'm going to type something that I've never typed before. I've said it outloud a few times, but there is something about the permanence of the written word that is different for me.

I have lupus.

I don't talk about it a lot...and normally when I do, it's as a joke, because, for me, laughing about the things that are not so great in life is simply the way I cope or deal with things. As the Barenaked Ladies might say, "I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral/can't understand what I mean, well, you soon will..."

If you don't know what lupus is, it's an autoimmune disease that attacks the joints. Basically my body is attacking itself. They don't know what causes it, though they suspect it's either environmental or genetic. And there is no cure. Lupus, also known as "systemic lupus erythematosus", can cause rheumetoid arthritis, hair loss, rashes, fatigue, and can make you lactose intolerant. I'm in pain a lot...but it's not immense pain, generally, and it doesn't bother me often. Lately, however, both of my knees have been giving me some serious problems - it's called a "flare up". I haven't gotten used to them yet - I don't know if I ever will. I will live with this for the rest of my life. It's not fatal as long as you take care of your body. People use medications to "control" it, but a lot of these meds, I've read, cause more harm than good. I use vitamins and some over-the-counter meds only when I have flare ups, but since I've been watching my diet, my problems have subsided pretty dramatically. I cannot pin point when flare ups happen, but usually it's stress-related. Ironically enough, I've been pretty stressed lately...

What makes this situation even more fun is the fact that my job is extremely active. I'm always on my feet, always moving around, which is doing a number on my knees. I can't just sit and rest them throughout the day. Being in the water is nice (Can't wait for my snorkel tomorrow!), it feels good to be in the water - takes the pressure off of my joints. My knees are so swollen and stiff...the pain is only a little bit worse than usual, but the fact that I can't really bend my knees is troubling. On Friday, I took a nap after the kids left camp at 2 PM (Fatigue is one thing I'm constantly dealing with as well). I slept til 6 PM, but literally could not physically get out of bed until well after 9 PM. It was pretty terrifying. The reality hit me that one day I could wake up and not be able to move at all, maybe never again. I'm a super active person, I love hiking and dancing and love to play sports when I can, so it's pretty difficult for me to accept the fact that this is going to happen to me. I want to do as much as I can NOW when my body is still relatively young and resiliant.

I'm not going to roll over and die, of course. I'm not going to let the fact that I have this disease control my life. I haven't yet. It's been over a year now since I was diagnosed. I'm adjusting to the constant joint pain, I'm adjusting to the significant hair loss (luckily I was blessed with super thick hair, so now it just looks NORMAL), I can cover up rashes, and luckily there are so many soy and rice milk products out there that satisfy my craving for dairy products. Living with it isn't so bad as long as I live a healthy, carefree lifestyle...but good luck in this day and age to do THAT.

Admittedly, I do worry about some things about my future with this disease. I worry about not being able to chase after my future children...that I will be stuck in a wheelchair and have to have my future husband push me around like an invalid...when my mind is 100% sharp (OK well...99%). I worry about never being able to dance again. I worry about never being able to hike up a mountain to see a sunset. I worry about not being able to coach my kids' T-ball teams. I know it all seems silly, but I'm an independent, active free-spirited person and I don't want to be trapped inside this broken body. It's terrifying.

As much as I get scared about it sometimes, essentially I have to laugh about it. One of my friends here has epilepsy and we joke about having these diseases. He always says he's got the "Ep", so, in turn, I got the loop. We laugh about it, because what else CAN you do?

I came across a list of a few celebrities that have lupus, I was pretty surprised:
Stone Cold Steve Austin, Michael Jackson, Seal, Louisa May Alcott, Flannery O'Connor and Sophie Howard

Anyway, if you read this, I'm not asking for a pity party, though if you want to give me a couple of microbrews, I won't argue. I guess I just wanted to get something off my chest. I don't talk about it often, in fact only a few people in my life even know this about me, and sometimes it's just nice for people to understand once in awhile...

*BAM* *BOOM* *SLAM*

Reason Number 84 for being excited about moving back to Michigan:

I won't have to hear Craig and Kris stomping up and down the stairs anymore and slamming their doors.

I *heart* Live Music

So I'm pretty sure I love live music more than I will love my first born child...and way more than I will love my future husband. (SHHHHH! Don't tell him I said that!) I don't know what it is...the movement of hundreds or thousands of sweaty bodies in unison? The electric atmosphere? The ringing in my ears after it's over? Seriously, there's nothing like it. It's one of the biggest things that seriously sucks about living on Catalina Island...the closest you get to live music is the DJ at the bar a few times a year playing "Brown Eyed Girl" or "The Macarena". Yeah, pretty pathetic, right? It's torture.

Anyway, I'm leaving the island officially on May 29th (only 16 more days!), so I'm getting my summer live music schedule figured out. Now, I'm not a Deadhead, or a PhishPhreak, and I've never followed Ratdog, but I love going to random shows, especially in the summers. As I was searching some of my favorite bands' websites, I realized that most of my favorite bands are going to be overseas this summer...Cocorosie, Ben Harper, The Decemberists, The Goo Goo Dolls, and The Submarines. And some aren't going to be touring at all...Train, The Postal Service, A Perfect Circle (though there will be another band touring that is also a shoot-off of Tool), and pretty much all of my favorite classic rock bands who's members are almost all dead.

However, there is one mainstream, popular band that I've wanted to see pretty much my entire life that is going to be touring this summer. Bon Jovi. I know, I know, laugh now. That's cool, I don't care. I grew up on that crap, and I'm not ashamed to say that I love it. I love early 90's music and I could pretty much sing every Bon Jovi song ever made. My heterosexual life-mate, Jen, whom I live with on the island, is from New Jersey and knows just as many Bon Jovi songs as me. Granted she's from New Jersey and I'm from Michigan, but still. So I find out he'll be at the Palace of Auburn Hills in August, right? I look on Ticketmaster to find out the price of tickets, right? And that's when I'm smacked in the face with reality that Bon Jovi is expensive. All the forty dollar tickets are gone...all the sixty dollar tickets are gone...and pretty much all that is left are three hundred dollar tickets. That's f-ing ridiculous! Who PAYS that much to see a live show??? I'd pay up to five hundred if Led Zeppelin ever reunited in Detroit or if Shannon Hoon miraculously awoke from the dead and the REAL Blind Melon got back together (though, I'm pretty sure I'd pay over a hundred to see Blind Melon with Travis Warren again), but Bon Jovi? RE-ally? So, no Bon Jovi for me...I just can't see spend three hundred bucks to see them. Especially since I just spent $277.00 on two tickets to a four day festival called Dunegrass in Northern Michigan at the beginning of August.

This, I can justify, however. Four days, fifty-odd bands, camping included...If you do the math on that...it's a pretty good price. If you pay a ten dollar cover charge for fifty bands in a small venue, that's five hundred bucks. One of my favorite bands, moe., will be there playing three of the days, plus some really rad lesser-known/local bands (Ragbirds, Cornmeal, Bela Fleck, Leftover Salmon, Arlo Guthrie, Melvin Seals and JGB, Macpodz, Jill Jack). Should be a good time. I hope Jerry doesn't kill me for taking him to a "hippie" convention.

I also am disappointed at the fact that James Blunt (who I also like a lot...don't chastise me for my taste in music...I'm very versatile!) will be touring with Sheryl Crow - no me gusta. And the fact that Blind Melon and Eric Hutchinson are currently in my area and will be touring the southern states by the time I get back to Michigan at the beginning of June. Though Blind Melon will be at two really odd festivals in Milwaukee (105th Harley Davidson Anniversary fest) and Indianapolis (A Rib-Off?), which are both close enough for me to drive...but I'm not interested in any of the other bands that will be there and their set looks pretty short. Dilemma.

So, thus far, my calender is as follows (subject to additions and subtractions):

June 13 - Macpodz - Top of the Park in Ann Arbor (FREE!)
June 14 - Tiger's Game vs. Dodgers (Not at all music related, but still noteworthy)
June 16 - The Ragbirds - Top of the Park in Ann Arbor (FREE!)
June 27 - Dirty Americans - Stars and Stripes Fest in Mt. Clemens, MI
July 16 afternoon - Likewater Drum and Dance - Plymouth, MI (FREE!)
July 17 - The Ragbirds - Tecumseh, MI (FREE!)
July 25 and 26 - Beer Fest - Ypsilanti, MI (also, not music related, but with 200 microbrews, it's definitely noteworthy!)
July 31 thru Aug 3 - Dunegrass - Empire, MI
Aug 5 - James Blunt - DTE Energy in Clarkston (Question Mark)
Aug 7 - Likewater Drum and Dance - Ypsilanti, MI (FREE!)
Aug 30 - Blind Melon - Harley Anniversary - Milwaukee, WI (Question Mark)
Aug 31 - Blind Melon - Rib Fest - Indianapolis, IN (Question Mark)

So that's the plan for now. I'm sure more will be added, and some of these are question marks. I'm just glad it's summer and I'm going back to Michigan to see some REAL music. Now, if only I could win two tickets to that Bon Jovi concert...

My Vagina is on Fire

You should never put Tiger Balm on before you get in the water with a wetsuit on. Apparently that layer of water inside of it really does travel up your entire body...or it at least goes up to your vagina, er, well, at least it did to me. Makes me re-think the whole peeing in your wetsuit thing.

On the bright side, I saw five bat rays on a ten minute snorkel with kids kicking me in the face and complaining the entire time. Go me.

Warning: Rant Inside - Handle with Care

So this season here on Catalina Island I've been rooming with my best friend. Now, I'll preface by saying, we live in trailers with thin walls and there is an even thinner door that seperates our rooms. If you didn't know, 12 of us live in "staff village", which means close proximity and knowing wayyyyy too much about the activities of one another. This also means, that if your trailermate has any sexual activity, not only do you hear it, but you can feel it too. My luck, my best friend's boyfriend also lives here.


Now, normally this is a hilariously awkward situation. My favorite thing to do is have a conversation with one or the other while their doing their thing. It annoys them, but not as much as they annoy me. You see, I love my best friend dearly, but her and her boyfriend cannot get along to save their lives...one second she's whining and crying about how he's called her fat and the next? Earthquake.


This is a dilemma for me...my mate lives 2500 miles away and we get along fantastically. We talk to eachother everyday over the phone and are going to be moving in together when I return to Michigan in a few weeks. My best friend makes me feel guilty for having a great relationship with my boyfriend...she also makes me feel really crappy when her and her man are all over eachother all the time, that is, when she's not fighting with him. It's almost like she's shoving it in my face that her boyfriend is here and mine is not.


I'd like to take an elbow to her face sometimes. For god's sake, be thankful that your man is here with you...either that or break up with his sorry ass. If he makes you feel sooooo bad about yourself, get rid of him. Stand up for yourself for the love of all that is holy in this world! And STOP shoving your relationship in my face constantly. I hate that baby talk that you two do...grow up! And stop complaining about him to me and not listening to any advice I give you. I give up. I simply give up.



Thank goodness the season is almost over - only 18 more days. Her boyfriend is leaving a week earlier than the rest of us...and frankly, I cannot wait. I can have my best friend back for a week. Before their relationship was serious, she was fun to be around, she smiled a lot, she laughed a lot, and she cared about other people. Now...she's changed. Shannon Hoon once crooned "When life is hard, you have to change." Yeah, well, her life is not hard...she didn't have to change.


Maybe it all boils down to the fact that I miss Jerry and to watch the two of them fight one minute and all over eachother the next, brings up all sorts of emotions. I didn't want to come back to the island, I wanted to stay back in Michigan with him and all the family and friends that love and care about me. I thought moving in with my best friend would help...but it only made things worse, I think. I've almost made it through this 3 and half month journey and it's been quite the trip. I'm ready to move on.

A Day without Mothers

It's Mother's Day today. I lost my mother when I was 17 and now I sit here 2500 miles away from everything that I love, listening to random songs on my iTunes playlist. Somehow that doesn't quite fill the void of things that I've lost - including the sweater that mysteriously disappeared on the beach a few months ago.

It's hard to believe it's been over 8 years since she died. Death is such a weird thing. One minute the person is here, the next they're not; you hold on to every memory - every moment you spent with them. My memories are like movie reels, though. I hardly believe that my past ever really existed...it all seems so far away anymore - I'm like an actor in my own life. I feel disconnected from it. I've evolved into this person that I never thought I'd be...the clone of my mother. This facade of toughness wrapped around this sensitive core...like those hard candies with the strawberry wrappers. Running away to California, only to find out that home isn't so bad after all. Realizing that vices are just an escape from reality, which is not always a bad thing, but unlike her, I won't let it ruin me and take me away from the things I love the most. Though, sometimes I wonder if she ever really loved us at all. I remember her saying that if we were ever taken away from her, they'd have to throw her in the "loony bin". Well? What about us? She left us...how did she think that would make us feel? Or did she not think? I do that sometimes. I am my mother in the most striking of ways.

There were times toward the end when I hardly recognized her anymore. She didn't look the same, I never knew what to expect from her, everything was so bad, so stressful, so scary - I felt like the song "Wonderful" by Everclear:

I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that its all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends wont know
When the bell rings I just dont wanna go home

It was terrifying, yet, I still loved her. I'd give anything to have her here with me. Even on the bad days when I'd get yelled at for not putting my shoes away, or the days when we had no food in the house and my little sister and I had to eat ketchup sandwiches. A part of me wishes I could go back to those days just to see her again so she could tell me that she loved me. She always did that, even when she screamed and yelled for absolutely no reason, she would always later apologize and tell me that she loved me...that I was the closest thing to perfect in the world. Stuff only a mother would say.

She taught me so much. She taught me the importance of being independent and that it was OK to be different. She never accepted anything less than the best from me. She taught me the value of a dollar and how important it was to be hard working. She taught me to never start fights, but if someone started one with me, I'd better finish it. She really showed me what unconditional love was - I loved her despite some of the things she did to me, and some of the ways she made me feel and sometimes how unsafe I felt. She was my mother, after all. She also taught me the hardest things about life...it's very short and to always tell people how you feel about them because you never know when they'll be gone. These are lessons that are learned in no other way than to lose someone so close to you.

It pisses me off when people disrespect their mothers or take advantage of them. It's depressing to see the lack of mother-child relationships these days. I don't think people realize what they have until they don't have it anymore. So for those of you with mother's out there - call them today, tell them that you love them, tell them how much they mean to you. Because one day, they won't be there to tell anymore.

So for now I will bury myself in my iTunes and think about days gone by...and days yet to come. That's what music addicts do, I suppose...find salvation in chords, in drum beats, and in angelic voices. It's probably the closest to Heaven I'll get.